Again, yesterday, another movie line popped into my head as thoughts of the accident and my situation, my life, were ruminating in my mind (I live in films and theater, always have). It's a line from an oldie but a real goodie - Medicine Man with the great Sean Connery and Lorraine Bracco. Sean Connery is talking about why his wife left and he says, "No one is allowed to forgive me until I forgive myself." That is exactly how I feel. There are so many days where I just break down because even though it was an accident, I can't forgive myself for what happened. And when my mother tells me she forgives me, that she's always forgiven me and never blamed me, I can't help but feel like Sean Connery in that moment. That no one is allowed to forgive me until I forgive myself. And I honestly don't know when I ever will, if ever. I'm so angry at what happened, even though I have no control over what happened that forgiving myself is inconceivable and allowing someone else to forgive me is almost as inconceivable. I know I should forgive myself and I know I should let others forgive me but this accident changed everything about my life and took so much from me. So until I can forgive myself, no one else is allowed.
No comments:
Post a Comment