Releasing In Order To Heal

 

 

This resonates hugely with me.  I actually wrote a post on releasing the past not too long ago.  But I have recently realized that there are some other things I need to release and this quote put that realization into practice. 

 

I am still learning to release my past.  I know I need more work on it but I'm trying.  Sometimes though I may think I'm doing well and then it creeps up on me like the silent stalking of a cat to a bird.  I'm the bird and my past is the cat.  But I think an important realization I had was releasing any attachment I have to my current situation as well as releasing the identity I've become too comfortable with.  I've never really looked at it like that. 

 

Releasing myself from any attachment to my current situation is a tough one because I'm constantly reminded of my situation.  I'm often in surgery, sometimes more than often, which then puts me in almost constant recovery.  I am constantly reminded with my pain and the suffering my accident has created.  But here's the lightbulb, the key word - attachment.  I may be reminded of my situation constantly because of surgeries, pain, recovery, complications and suffering as a result of all of those things but I can release myself of my attachment to my current situation. 

 

I really need to release a few people who I thought were my friends but really aren't.  They once were but have not shown any care for me, any interest in a very long time.  For some reason it is as if I'm being treated like an ex-boyfriend by some, and by others, someone of no value or interesting or worthwhile.  Even probably by some as feeling sorry for myself or dragging out my accident for too long, like I should just "be over it by now" which, by the way, really angers me.  One friend has actually told me he/she just couldn't be there for me right now because he/she had too much going on in his/her life.  Then I constantly see him/her out with friends in pictures he/she posts and posts made by his/her friends about what fun they had together.  I also see him/her involved in many projects out in the community but somehow he/she just doesn't have the time to be there for me.  It really hurts.  These friends, who shall always remain nameless because I'm not out to expose them for being bad people cause they aren't, they just are not good friends to me because they hurt me and hurt me some more and punch me in the gut for having once been dear friends of mine that I thought would always be my friend, maybe not as close a friend as we were, but at least care for me and what I'm going through like any friend would or even SHOULD.  One of these friends once told me that a friendship goes both ways.  I agree.  EXCEPT in exceptional situations where one of the friends may withdraw due to some kind of trauma and may need help so the other friend may have to put in a little more effort and carry more of the load.  So it may become more of a one way friendship for awhile because that's just how it happens when a friend is having a hard time and withdrawing.  The other friend needs to reach out to this friend, a friend like myself, to help them through their struggles and it may take awhile on what has now become a one way friendship but a real, true friend won't mind because they care and love the friend.  And soon, that friend who is struggling will come out of it and it will become a two way friendship once again.  And one day, the other friend who was helping the friend in need, may come to find themself in a struggling situation and will find themselves withdrawing like the other friend did and will be in need of the same help they once gave.  And a real, true friend will carry that burden of a one way friendship because they understand and truly love and care for their friend who once did the same for them.  Most the time a friendship should always be a two way street, but sometimes, one of those friends may come to struggle with something and it becomes a one way friendship for a little while.  But real, true friends shouldn't care when it becomes that one way street in their friendship.  I am such a friend who is struggling and have found out who my real, true friends are.  Many of my friendships before the accident have disolved, amost as if we were never the best of friends.  And that is painful for me.  But a few of my friendships before the accident have gotten stronger and I have been so thankful for such friends who have stuck around to support and love me.  There are also some friendships I have now that were made post-accident and they are some of the best friends I've ever had.  They don't mind if our friendship may be one way sometimes because they really truly care for and support me.  They understand that because my life has been turned upside down and so much has been taken from me that our friendship may go in and out of a two way friendship because I've been through such a trauma and am really struggling.  And I care for and love them deeply.  I hold them near and dear to my heart for what they do for me, the understanding and patience they give me, the support and awesome friendship they give me.  But those other friends that are really not my friends anymore still hurt me for their non-friendship and non-understanding of what I'm going through.  And those friends are the ones I need to release because they only hinder my healing instead of helping to progress it.  But I have found it to be harder than it seems because they were once my friend.  It's like breaking up and breaking up is hard to do. 

 

 

 

I do have a wonderful church family, even though I don't attend regularly.  Despite my absence in church, they pray for me every Sunday and help out me and my family whenever they can and for them I am truly thankful.

 

To help progress my healing further I also need to release the identity I've become too comfortable with.  And I'm not talking about the releasing the identity of being a burn survivor because that's acceptance and healthy.  I'm talking about the identity of being a trauma victim and the identity of someone who is ugly and scarred and never going to find love.  I need to release the identity of being a trauma victim and be a survivor.  I went through a trauma but being the victim of that trauma is not who I am.  I am a SURVIVOR.  I not only survived a trauma I should not have survived but I am surviving my daily struggles.  There are days when I really do want to give up but so far I haven't.  So I continue to survive every day as I make it through the struggles of the day and wake up the next morning to do it all over again.  And as for releasing my identity of someone who is ugly and never going to find love, that is going to be one of the hardest challenges of all but a challenge that is desperately needed to overcome for my healing to REALLY begin.  A dear friend of mine posted this to me yesterday on my facebook page and it really speaks to this challenge:

 

 

Not only do I need to solely identify myself as a survivor and not a trauma victim, but also as a beautiful person because I have known defeat, known suffering, struggle and loss.  "Beautiful people do not just happen."  Beautiful people are created by knowing these hardships and finding their way out of the depths.  This is something that if I can learn to identify with, I think my healing would really take off.