Daydreams and Fantasies

I have recently come to the conclusion that I daydream and fantasize all too much. And I'm not sure if it's worse or slightly better than it used to be. See, I was not one of those students who daydreamed during class, I payed attention which is why I got a full ride scholarship to college and graduated with honors at college as well. It was the inbetween time that I daydreamed and fantasized about a life that I desperately hoped to live someday. And now since the accident, but only three years later have I begun to daydream and fantasize again about a life I desperately want again. But there's something different about it this time.

The first two years of my accident I really didn't daydream or fantasize about anything because I was so stuck in my depression of what happened to me that there was no room in my head for anything else. But now, three years later space has opened up in my mind and I find myself lost in daydreams and fantasies about a life I have always wanted to have. You might be wondering, what the hell I'm talking about and why.

Every time I watch a TV show or a movie or an awards show, I find myself conflicted between fantasizing/daydreaming about wanting that life of an actor, to be in front of the camera again and acting a part and being angry that I may never have that opportunity again because of my accident. Like watching the Oscars the other night. Many people just watch it, distanced from it but me, I watch the whole thing from the red carpet entrances to the very end fantasizing the whole way through it wishing I was one of those actors. And those fantasies only bring on a great feeling of despair in my whole body because I'm scared my dream of actually getting there one day has been demolished by the accident. So all I have left is my daydreams and my fantasies of a world I have dreamed about since I was in the 6th grade and the star of the musical that year.

And then I get angry and depressed that that world that I feel in my soul I belong in will never be mine. Will I ever be repaired enough to be in front of a camera again? And what if I am by some miracle? Will I be strong enough to go after my dream again after being so damaged? I'm so tired of daydreaming and fantasizing about my dream career. It's only making me angrier and angrier because I'm so far away from it. When I lived in New York City, I was near the action, I had an agent and a manager for crying out loud! Not to mention I wasn't disfigured and scarred. So when I daydreamed and fantasized back then, it was fun because it was at my fingertips, I could do it, I knew it in my heart. I knew it was my path. But now, living in little old La Grande, Oregon, I'm so far away and now scarred from an accident that has put me now three years behind has only ignited anger and depression.