Coming Up On Three Years

Many of you may not know this and many of you may but my 3rd anniversary of my accident is coming up on March 17th, St. Patty's Day. A day that is supposed to be celebrated with fun and laughter with your family and friends. It was a day that I used to love back when I lived in New York because where I worked was a real Irish Pub, owned and operated by pretty much all Irish people. They were my dearest friends and boy did we have fun. They showed me what St. Patrick's Day was all about. But now it's an agonizing memory, even though I don't remember the accident. It's still a memory that something awful happened, that something happened that changed my life forever.

I am having conflicting feelings. The first anniversary of my accident was bad. A lot of crying, a lot of pain, a lot of guilt. The second anniversary was better. I tried to look at it as the day I survived instead of the day I almost died. And it went ok that year. This year, I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I feel almost nostalgic, maybe even almost numb. But then I had to take a bath last night to cleanse some of my wounds and as I lay there soaking, my finger tracing scars, particularly the big chunk that has been taken out of my right leg, the big chunk that will always be there, always an ugly disfiguration that if I ever wore a bathing suit would scare people out of their minds. I continued tracing other scars and then my eyes welled up with tears and then it hit me, and I started crying. I was no longer numb. And it began to hurt so much in my heart. My past came flooding back at me, my present depressing me, and my future one big question mark in my head. The scars that covered my body from head to toe angered me. I was flooded with all sorts of emotions that I couldn't process all at once.

So what am I feeling on this 3rd year? Maybe it is anger. I am hurt and I'm so angry about it. All the time lately. And my anger is aimed at two people and guess who they are? yup, you got it! Myself and God. the usual suspects, right? I'm tired of thinking that events in life happen for a reason because after three years, I still can't figure out the reason for the life changing event in my life. Why? If there was a reason for my life needing to change, something I needed to learn, why almost kill me? Why use a terrible weapon like fire? Why torture my family with all of this? Couldn't there have been another way? I just don't understand! I don't get it! After 3 years I still don't get it! When will I figure out why this happened to me? What I am supposed to get? What was this supposed to change about my life?