Enjoying The Beach But Still Fighting Depression

It is Saturday on Memorial Weekend and I am sitting outside, on the front deck of our little bungalow apt at Agate Beach just watching the ocean and taking in some sunshine. This is the first time we have gone on any kind of vacation since my accident over three years ago. It's the first time we've traveled anywhere out of town that WASN'T for a doctor appointment or surgery. It's kind of strange. But my parents and I really needed it so on the spur of the moment, my mother called this little tiny motel that only has 10 apts, not thinking there would be any vacancy, but low and behold there was! So on Tuesday of last week, we left for Portland for a doctor appointment, my last expansion before surgery and a pre-op appointment, came home Wednesday early evening and then turned right back around Thursday afternoon to drive to Portland again so we could drive into the Oregon coast on Friday. It was a long week spent mostly in the car. But definitely worth it once we got here to Agate Beach on Friday. Oh my was it ever worth it.

Our first day/night here we were basically just thrilled to be here! We came to this place on the recommendation of someone my mother knows so we weren't sure exactly what to expect. And we got more than we expected to get. This place is a little gem. Little bungalow apt's with 1 bedroom, cute little bathroom, fully equipped and cute kitchenette, great sized living room with a little fireplace and tv with basic cable/DVD player, little kitchen table that faces out the front window to the ocean and a front deck that looks out over the ocean. It couldn't be more perfect.

As soon as we got here, I immediately made a friend - a retired and rescued Red Brindle racing Greyhound who is just the sweetest thing and so beautiful. I took to him right away and we became instant pals. His owners are pretty cool, too :) They are our next door neighbors.

We went down on the beach this morning and the weather is gorgeous today! It is supposed to rain and be nasty but so far it has been warm and the sun has graced us with it's wonderful and ever welcome presence. We have a private access to the beach and it's very clean and quiet. Though we have four dogs, we could only bring two with us so the other two, unfortunately are staying in the kennel at the vets. But the two that we brought with us just loved running around on the sand. For one of the dogs, one that we rescued, it is his first time at the beach and I can say with great confidence that he loves it. It was fun to watch him run around and explore the feel of wet sand under his little feet. It's been so long for me that I had almost forgot what the feel of sand under my bare feet felt like. Agate Beach is also apparently a popular place for surfers and there were quite a few out this morning so it was a lot of fun to watch them paddle out and catch a great swell.

I haven't been feeling very well since my best friend's wedding. A few days later, I started to feel low again, starting to fall back down the hole of this depression I can't seem to quite get out of. I'm having a hard time, a real hard time. In fact, on Monday, a former police offer from Coeur d'Alene, ID, and his wife came down to La Grande to do a presentation about a trauma that happened to him. He was shot in the line of duty in the cheek by a hollow point bullet that exploded in his neck and almost died. In fact, his wife was told if he survived, he would be deaf, dumb and blind. A quadriplegic. But his will to live and fight the fight surmounted all the odds against him and he is alive and well and even walking. He is a 100% assist, however, but he is alive and well. Him and his wife are quite inspiring people and have an incredible outlook on life despite what they went through. I have become Facebook friends with both of them and they are very supportive of me and what has happened to me. It was good for me to go to that presentation. But despite the inspiring presentation by this man and his wife, I am still struggling. I just don't want to be this way anymore. I'm tired of this body and I'm scared for my future and lonely. I just want to be happy again. I want to be bigger than life, like I used to be before my accident. I'm enjoying my vacation here at the beach but the thought of going home and going back to my life in La Grande depresses me. Being here has given me an escape from the reality of my life and what happened to me. Will I ever be able to escape this prison of depression? Or will I just learn to deal with it better? If it is the latter, I'm not sure I will have the strength to stick around to deal with it.