First Theater Experience Since The Accident

My dear friends Jamie and Sam Jacobson took me out somewhere last night, something that I haven't done since my accident, over 3 years ago. They took me to a play at EOU. The reason why I haven't gone to see a play or musical since my accident is because that is part of what my accident took from me - my future in acting. I believed that if I went to see a play or musical it would only depress me because I would be thinking about my own history in acting and again, my possible lost future in acting. I would be wishing that was me up on there on the stage, in the spotlight because that's where I LOVE to be. And not knowing if I'm going to be able to do that again, going to go see something that's just going to throw in my face that very possibility was not what I had been ready to do.

But Jamie invited me to this student directed and student written play at my alma mater. I was hesitant to reply to her because I couldn't make up my mind if I would be able to do this, or even wanted to because of all those complicated feelings I described earlier. But I didn't want to say no to Jamie so, I said yes. I must admit, around 4:00 I started to get that rising panic and anxiety that I get when it comes to going out anywhere. I was not wanting to go.

However, as soon as I saw Jamie when she came to pick me up, I began to feel better, just at the sight of my dear friend and being around her wonderful energy. She kinda does that to me :) I walked into my old home of Loso Hall with a little anxiety still and we made our way to Schwartz Theater, also an old home. We settled into our seats and I am surprised at how I felt. Perhaps it was the company because well, both Jamie and Sam were making me laugh which helped put me at ease, I think. But then as I sat there, in between laughing fits, and looked out onto the stage, my mind began filling with memories of my days in the theater and on the stage. It was almost a feeling of homesick. It was also a feeling of loss and uncertainty if I will be able to be in the spotlight again on stage or in front of a camera. But with that feeling of loss and uncertainty came anger as well because those feelings of loss and uncertainty are because of my accident.

But all in all, I was glad I finally made that step and I did enjoy myself. I think it was a very important step in my recovery. I won't lie, I did spend some of the time as I watched the play thinking of old memories and wishing I was up on the stage, wishing I knew for certain if I would have a future in acting again. What will become of me if I can't do acting? If I can't do the thing that makes my heart pump and my blood flow through my veins? That which brings my soul to life with the brightest light and most powerful energy? Why did God do this to me? Why did He take it away from me? Is He really there or perhaps He has no power? I would understand more if He has no power anymore to intervene in people's lives but if He does, why didn't He prevent what happened to me? Why didn't He protect me? He took so much from me and I don't understand why. Perhaps because there is no higher power. I don't know anymore.

Remember this. When people choose to withdraw far from a fire, the fire continues to give warmth, but they grow cold. When people choose to withdraw far from light, the light continues to be bright in itself but they are in darkness. This is also the case when people withdraw from God. ~Augustine