Breakdown

I had a breakdown last night.  It was a little bit of a hysterical breakdown like something from inside me came out that I couldn't control.  I was crying and shaking and yelling out all my frustrations that I deal with on a daily basis.  I just couldn't control it.  It was unleashed.  I've done this before in the past but it's been quite a long time since I've had a breakdown.

I cried out my grief for a loss of a life I once knew and for the life I know now.  I cried out my grief for the loss of beauty and the scars that now cover my body.  I cried out my grief for bad genetics and how bad I heal, scar and contract.  I cried out my grief for the trauma to my body triggering my diabetes.  I cried out my grief for the loss of my independence and becoming dependent to do the simplest of tasks like shower, dress myself and reach for things in a cupboard.  I cried out my grief of my tortured soul.  I just cried and cried out my grief over all my struggles and the fight that I'm tired of fighting.

And I am.  I'm so tired of fighting this fight.  And don't tell me I have to take it one day at a time because that doesn't work for me so I hate it when people tell me that.  I used to have a life, a big life, and to have it reduced to what it is now makes it very difficult to take it one day at a time.  I was burned later in my life, as an adult so I had become used to an independent way of living.  My dependent way of living now feels like I've gone backwards in my life's progress.  I am constantly in mourning of my past, my present and my future all at the same time.  It's overwhelming.  So overwhelming that at times I just break and break last night I did.

"My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul."  ~William Shakespeare