Last night I spent an evening with four friends who are near and dear to my heart, but two of them were new to seeing me, though I have been friends with them since college. I was exremely nervous seeing them but as soon as I got out of the car and began walking up to their house, they both came out immediately showering me with hugs, real true hugs. And they made me feel loved all night long. I swelled with their love. They didn't make me feel like a disfigured freak. They treated me just as they treated me years ago in college. Despite my nervousness, which never truly faded, I began to settle in and behave with confidence because they backed me up.
We chatted and played games that made us laugh endlessly. Kristen and Jon are my new (yet old) friends that I know I can confide in and comfort me when I'm lonely. I already miss their hugs and their laughter. I had been in a deep depression for this whole week and they truly pulled it out of me....at least for the night and hopefully a couple days of after effect.
So thank you to Kristen and Jon, as well as Sam and Jamie, and Clay and Jen, for loving me. It makes me want to cry cause you have made me so happy. You know if this accident had never happened to me, I don't think I'd be making the friends that I am. I've never really had friends like Kristen, Jon, Jamie, Sam, Clay and Jen. I mean, I had them in college, except for Clay and Jen, but I lost touch with them and through this accident I have found them again. And I am so lucky I have because these are real, true friends. Friends that have your back and friends that will look past your scars. I hold you dear to my lonely and broken heart. May you help piece it back together with your beautiful friendship and love. Thank you.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
A Story Written About Me
It is early morning, well, not too early. It's almost 7am but no one in my home is up yet. And as usual I got on my computer and to my surprise I had a message from someone containing something so very special. It was a message on FB from a once good friend of mine who wrote a short story about me. And this story she contained in the message for me to read.
And as I read it, I wept and wept it was so beautiful. She is a fantastic writer, wonderful with words. Her name is Rebecca Burch Greenidge. Someone actually took time out of their day to really think of me and write about me? Well what she wrote was perfect and I want to share it with you as well. I am lucky to call her friend. Below is the story she wrote. Grab a Kleenex, I can guarantee at least some tears will run down your cheek.... Thank you, Rebecca, for writing such a beautiful story about me. I love it more than you'll ever know. It is so very special to me.
Enjoy.
And as I read it, I wept and wept it was so beautiful. She is a fantastic writer, wonderful with words. Her name is Rebecca Burch Greenidge. Someone actually took time out of their day to really think of me and write about me? Well what she wrote was perfect and I want to share it with you as well. I am lucky to call her friend. Below is the story she wrote. Grab a Kleenex, I can guarantee at least some tears will run down your cheek.... Thank you, Rebecca, for writing such a beautiful story about me. I love it more than you'll ever know. It is so very special to me.
Enjoy.
bravery
it was a while ago now.
across the digital lines.
a catch up fit for this culture we live in. i’d of much rather been across my kitchen table, sipping glass of wine or whatever she’d like. but she was on the other side of this patch of land, discovering the depths of dreams.
she lives her dream. my god she was sure and strong and beautifully brave. i was never as brave. she moved to the big city – small town girl living tall-order dreams among tallest of man-made boxes.
i looked around that day and gulped deep as my dreams had changed. from center stage to sweet friend who placed metal round my finger. and i just kept thinking how she is so brave.
i stumble upon her new story only days ago. a story that has changed the landscape of both time and dreams and her very own skin. i was struck when she said she looks in the mirror and doesn’t know the face looking back and my god how i feel like that many days but o god how i feel small for saying that as she lets me peer into her mirror.
and today. yes today. she let us look at the very landscape of her.
and i stopped cold.
what tragedy and beauty mixed all together and some say that her eyes make it impossible to see the scars and i say it’s the eyes that give contrast to the scars. i don’t miss the scars. i do see them. i want to see them. i want her to know that i want to see them. and i want to tell her how beautiful her landscape is. how it makes me look deeper and wonder with hot tears over painted cheeks about how it’s these scars that make her eyes shine in ways they never have.
i see the brave.
i see the heartbroken.
i see the loneliness that aches so deep.
i see the questions.
i see the uncertainty of her own will to keep living.
i see the smoldering of dreams she fears are lost.
i see the pain of a new self she must get to know.
…and i know a god who loves it all. i know a god who runs spirit over these wounds and knows the reason to her rhyme. i know a god who holds the answers to her whys. i know a god who reaches in to her and says “yes baby girl, come to me” and who is never overtaken by her rage. i know a god who whispers her name through scared ears and who on that night breathed a breath that kept her life for a reason and was so hot and deep, it changed something much deeper than anything you see when she lets you look in her mirror.
i call her bravery.
a name befit for her. now as before.
only she doesn’t realize. how like then, this too is her.
chasing.
hoping.
dreaming.
she is bravery. in. the. flesh.
and this is one way he made her in his likeness. one way, he calls her daughter.
one way, she too is drowning in this ocean called grace.
and she is not only inspiring. but deeper.
she shows me god. anew.
as dreams we chase seem miles away and the hurt is as deep as the uncertainty and she points me towards this life sustainer, dream giver, hope maker all over again.
the one who gives and takes away.
she is his latest gift to me.
it was a while ago now.
across the digital lines.
a catch up fit for this culture we live in. i’d of much rather been across my kitchen table, sipping glass of wine or whatever she’d like. but she was on the other side of this patch of land, discovering the depths of dreams.
she lives her dream. my god she was sure and strong and beautifully brave. i was never as brave. she moved to the big city – small town girl living tall-order dreams among tallest of man-made boxes.
i looked around that day and gulped deep as my dreams had changed. from center stage to sweet friend who placed metal round my finger. and i just kept thinking how she is so brave.
i stumble upon her new story only days ago. a story that has changed the landscape of both time and dreams and her very own skin. i was struck when she said she looks in the mirror and doesn’t know the face looking back and my god how i feel like that many days but o god how i feel small for saying that as she lets me peer into her mirror.
and today. yes today. she let us look at the very landscape of her.
and i stopped cold.
what tragedy and beauty mixed all together and some say that her eyes make it impossible to see the scars and i say it’s the eyes that give contrast to the scars. i don’t miss the scars. i do see them. i want to see them. i want her to know that i want to see them. and i want to tell her how beautiful her landscape is. how it makes me look deeper and wonder with hot tears over painted cheeks about how it’s these scars that make her eyes shine in ways they never have.
i see the brave.
i see the heartbroken.
i see the loneliness that aches so deep.
i see the questions.
i see the uncertainty of her own will to keep living.
i see the smoldering of dreams she fears are lost.
i see the pain of a new self she must get to know.
…and i know a god who loves it all. i know a god who runs spirit over these wounds and knows the reason to her rhyme. i know a god who holds the answers to her whys. i know a god who reaches in to her and says “yes baby girl, come to me” and who is never overtaken by her rage. i know a god who whispers her name through scared ears and who on that night breathed a breath that kept her life for a reason and was so hot and deep, it changed something much deeper than anything you see when she lets you look in her mirror.
i call her bravery.
a name befit for her. now as before.
only she doesn’t realize. how like then, this too is her.
chasing.
hoping.
dreaming.
she is bravery. in. the. flesh.
and this is one way he made her in his likeness. one way, he calls her daughter.
one way, she too is drowning in this ocean called grace.
and she is not only inspiring. but deeper.
she shows me god. anew.
as dreams we chase seem miles away and the hurt is as deep as the uncertainty and she points me towards this life sustainer, dream giver, hope maker all over again.
the one who gives and takes away.
she is his latest gift to me.
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Person Behind the Blog
Here are a couple more pictures for you to see. This is me. The person behind the words of this blog.
For a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that you have faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even through refined by fire - may be proved genuine, and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1 Peter 1:6-7
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Allowing Myself to Be Who I Am (first picture of my face)
I had an insightful therapy session the other day. My therapist told me a story of when she was once in therapy as a young woman and a new mother and her therapist asked her to follow her through this forest and ended up at this incredibly old, ginormous, and ugly tree. And my therapist sat under the tree with her therapist in silence. She says that she asked the tree, in her mind, how she got to be so old and ugly. And to her surprise (and you're gonna call this crazy) but the tree answered her back inside her mind and said, "because I allowed myself to be."
What my therapist was trying to say was allow yourself to be whatever you are and you'll be much happier. I'm isolating myself and hiding away and therefore not allowing myself to just be whoever I am. Whatever and whoever I am, I need to allow myself to be it and in my case that means scars and all. So, here I am, going to post a pic of my full face (with my new haircut) and finally, finally! allow myself to be who I am. So here goes readers and followers, here I am, scars and all. But I hope you keep in mind that they are still working on reconstructing my neck and face so I will keep looking different with every surgery. But nonetheless, HERE I AM! Please be kind. This is a big step for me.
What my therapist was trying to say was allow yourself to be whatever you are and you'll be much happier. I'm isolating myself and hiding away and therefore not allowing myself to just be whoever I am. Whatever and whoever I am, I need to allow myself to be it and in my case that means scars and all. So, here I am, going to post a pic of my full face (with my new haircut) and finally, finally! allow myself to be who I am. So here goes readers and followers, here I am, scars and all. But I hope you keep in mind that they are still working on reconstructing my neck and face so I will keep looking different with every surgery. But nonetheless, HERE I AM! Please be kind. This is a big step for me.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tired of the Fight Today
I'm so tired of being lonely. I want what my best friend has. I'm really jealous of her, but in a good way. She's got a really, really good guy that loves her and proposed to her finally. They are so good together and I want that too. But I can't even show my face to some of my friends so who is gonna want me? I'm like Frankenstein with all my scars. Who is gonna want that? Oh gosh, here comes the tears. I try to be tough but sometimes I just can't do it anymore. I'm so sick of being alone. So sick of crying over being alone and so tired of talking about it. I'm sure you all are tired of reading about it too. I'm sorry.
I'm tired of doing the same damn things everyday. I miss the life I once had. Life was never boring in New York. There was always a new Broadway show to see, a new concert to go to, a game to watch at a bar, a baseball or football game to go to, a street fair to go to, a parade to watch, shopping, picnic in the park, ice skating in the park, movies in the park and so much more I could go on and on. God, I mourn that life so much. I hate crying and here I am, a complete ball bag as I write this.
My last tie to New York is my driver's license and I'm going to lose that this week when I go in to get an Oregon driver's license. I need some kind of Oregon ID because I always have to have it when I go into surgery and my license is expiring in January anyway so my mom pursuaded me to get the OR license. So I'm kinda sad about that in a weird way. I can't even find half of my pictures I took while in New York and that really gets me. I'm losing New York.
What do I have anymore? I know I have my wonderful family and friends but what do I have for me? I can't run like I used to. I can't get out by myself. I can't drive. I don't really have any money. All I do everyday is color, cross stitch or read, or watch movies. I'm so sick of doing those same things everyday. I'm just so sick of everything. Why did God to this to me? Why? He ruined everything in my life! He's made me start over, which may be a good thing because he gave me good, true friends that I never had, but He took away the city I loved, He took away my physical attributes, He took away my ability to do some easy things in life because of my limited mobility.
I just don't know if I really have the fight in me some days. Today, I don't. I'm lonely and scared. And it's a beautiful day to go running and I can't.
I'm tired of doing the same damn things everyday. I miss the life I once had. Life was never boring in New York. There was always a new Broadway show to see, a new concert to go to, a game to watch at a bar, a baseball or football game to go to, a street fair to go to, a parade to watch, shopping, picnic in the park, ice skating in the park, movies in the park and so much more I could go on and on. God, I mourn that life so much. I hate crying and here I am, a complete ball bag as I write this.
My last tie to New York is my driver's license and I'm going to lose that this week when I go in to get an Oregon driver's license. I need some kind of Oregon ID because I always have to have it when I go into surgery and my license is expiring in January anyway so my mom pursuaded me to get the OR license. So I'm kinda sad about that in a weird way. I can't even find half of my pictures I took while in New York and that really gets me. I'm losing New York.
What do I have anymore? I know I have my wonderful family and friends but what do I have for me? I can't run like I used to. I can't get out by myself. I can't drive. I don't really have any money. All I do everyday is color, cross stitch or read, or watch movies. I'm so sick of doing those same things everyday. I'm just so sick of everything. Why did God to this to me? Why? He ruined everything in my life! He's made me start over, which may be a good thing because he gave me good, true friends that I never had, but He took away the city I loved, He took away my physical attributes, He took away my ability to do some easy things in life because of my limited mobility.
I just don't know if I really have the fight in me some days. Today, I don't. I'm lonely and scared. And it's a beautiful day to go running and I can't.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Contact Made with a Friend from NY!
Last night was amazing. I got in touch with an old and dear friend from New York City and I have lost touch with practically everyone in NY except for Colin. This is guy who used to be a regular at the bar I used to bartend at. Jack and coke was his drink, i still remember to this day. But he began by facebook emailing me back and forth and then it went to texting and then to talking on the phone. But he apologized for not being here for me sooner, which is okay, he didn't know. He didn't fnd out till he went back to New York and Colin told him what happened.
anyway, we both cried on the phone as we talked about the accident and it was so touching to me. I finally made some contact with a friend from NY! Oh how I miss New York and my friend. And the energy there is absolutely wonderful and contagious. It's such an amazing city. But he promised we would text everyday and he would be there for me with this accident and I believe him. But once again, girls and boys, followers and readers, he is getting married so no matchmaking :) He seems to be in a good place so I am happy for him.
One thing he told me, as I sit here being lonely again, is that I will have that husband that I will kiss before going on stage to accept an award for whatever it may be and that brought major tears to my eyes since that has been a major thing with me: being lonely and longing for companionship. And when he said that, he was so sincere that I truly believed him...in the moment. But I wake up again, without anyone, but, I do have my friend back and I guess if that's all I can get right now, I'll take it.
anyway, we both cried on the phone as we talked about the accident and it was so touching to me. I finally made some contact with a friend from NY! Oh how I miss New York and my friend. And the energy there is absolutely wonderful and contagious. It's such an amazing city. But he promised we would text everyday and he would be there for me with this accident and I believe him. But once again, girls and boys, followers and readers, he is getting married so no matchmaking :) He seems to be in a good place so I am happy for him.
One thing he told me, as I sit here being lonely again, is that I will have that husband that I will kiss before going on stage to accept an award for whatever it may be and that brought major tears to my eyes since that has been a major thing with me: being lonely and longing for companionship. And when he said that, he was so sincere that I truly believed him...in the moment. But I wake up again, without anyone, but, I do have my friend back and I guess if that's all I can get right now, I'll take it.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thank You to my FB friends and my followers
As many of you know, I have been posting pictures of my burns and grafts and scars. I don't know what brought it on other than I suddenly felt the need to give people a better idea of what I was talking about when I talked about it or posted something about it and the pain that I go through everyday. I have to admit, I was scared out of my mind to post those pics and still get scared everytime I post a pic but I am finding it necessary for those reasons I listed above.
But I seem to be getting very positive responses and a lot of support, which has relieved me and give me courage to keep fighting. For awhile there, I was losing reason to fight. In fact, I still find it hard to fight but your responses have helped give me reasons to keep fighting everyday. I had begun to lose that fight in me and want to just give up but your support has been so tremendous that I feel has though you have re-energized the fight I know I have in me, or I wouldn't be where I am today, let alone alive.
There are so many days I just want to give up but then I think about the responses and posts I have gotten by posting those pics your incredible support that I feel like I will let you down if I just lie down and give up. You have given me reason to go see my friends and get out in the community. It is because of you that I have been going out to see more of my friends and get out of the safety of my home more often. So I want to say Thank You. You have plugged me in and recharged me, given me my fight back; given me reason to try and be braver. My family has also helped me TREMENDOUSLY, but it is my friends on FB and my followers here that have pushed me a little farther to show myself, go beyond my comfort zone and I have gotten nothing but support in return. Thank you for that.
But I seem to be getting very positive responses and a lot of support, which has relieved me and give me courage to keep fighting. For awhile there, I was losing reason to fight. In fact, I still find it hard to fight but your responses have helped give me reasons to keep fighting everyday. I had begun to lose that fight in me and want to just give up but your support has been so tremendous that I feel has though you have re-energized the fight I know I have in me, or I wouldn't be where I am today, let alone alive.
There are so many days I just want to give up but then I think about the responses and posts I have gotten by posting those pics your incredible support that I feel like I will let you down if I just lie down and give up. You have given me reason to go see my friends and get out in the community. It is because of you that I have been going out to see more of my friends and get out of the safety of my home more often. So I want to say Thank You. You have plugged me in and recharged me, given me my fight back; given me reason to try and be braver. My family has also helped me TREMENDOUSLY, but it is my friends on FB and my followers here that have pushed me a little farther to show myself, go beyond my comfort zone and I have gotten nothing but support in return. Thank you for that.
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