There are days where I just sit here and lose myself in thought, trying to overrule the pain with wonderful fantasies. My fantasies include walking the red carpet to go to a premiere or an awards ceremony. My fantasies include being nominated for a golden globe or an oscar and then winning. I fantasize about my dress and my speech if I won. Who I would thank? Would I be a crying mess? I imagine I would be.
If I won I think about who I would thank. There are the obvious, the cast, the crew, the director and producers, and writers, the casting director for giving me the chance. I would whole heartedly thank my family more than anything for never leaving my side when my injury happened. I would thank my Manager for telling me to keep dreaming. To get better as soon as I could so I could jump back in the game. And I would have to thank God, no matter how cliche it is. But if I were to make it to that fantasy, it would be all because of Him. You see, I really don't have a lot of support in my dream from my family anymore since the accident. They think nothing good ever really came of New York and that it is just too big of a dream now that I've been injured. The only one who tells me to keep dreaming is my manager. I don't even know if I can continue on with my dream after this accident. I'm scared I've lost it.
I have other things I can pursue. I can go back to school and finish my psychology degree and do something with that but that's not what's really in my heart just yet. I did that to have a back up in case it didn't work out. Well, I was thinking "not working out" as in I had been trying and trying for years and never got anywhere with it, not having an accident. But this accident has qualified that and I have been pushed to pursue other careers. But I'm not ready. I don't feel like I've given it all I can give. I've been derailed, that's all. But my family is not seeing it that way.
I also fantasize of love. I fantasize of having that special someone that just fits me in all kinds of ways that I could go on forever naming all the ways, but I won't bore you to death with that. I watch romantic crap sometimes and it tears me apart cause I want the fairy tale too.
So here I am today, fantasizing about walking down that red carpet with the love of my life, winning an oscar and giving my husband the biggest kiss before I go up and thanking him when I'm up there. Thats my fairy tale. And it's a lot to ask but when you break it down it's really just a career dream and the longing to have the love of my life someday. But I'm so scared I'll never have it. What will I have to settle for then? I don't want to settle! I want my fairy tale! I want my dream career and the love to go with it. Why isn't that fair? It seems to be fair to many other actors out there. I know not all, but there are a lot. But not me. Why isn't that fair for me? Why did I have to have this accident that has scarred me for life? Why me? WHY ME!! I'm so angry and I can almost feel nothing as I sit here and occasionally drift away from the computer screen to stare at the wall.
3 comments:
I think that the only one who stands in the way of your dreams is you! Who care's what other's think, it's not their dream. There are obvious hurdles to get over depending on the dream, and of course, some dreams may never become a reality, but that doesn't mean we should stop dreaming.
Your parents (and all of us really) are on the outside looking in. They may see your time in New York as a bad idea, and that could come from selfish reasons. You were far away from them. Maybe they saw you struggling to make it. Even though you were having the time of your life.
You may have to alter your dreams. You may have to find something else to do in the industry, but there are many ways you can still live the dream, if not in front of the camera/audience, behind the scenes.
As far as love. I can only tell you that you are a wonderful person. We all have this fairy tale in mind when it comes to love. Those fairy tales change as we get older, and the ideas we had when we were younger morph into different fairy tales. I'm confident that you will find true love, as well as success!
Sounds like you are a practitioner of "visualized imagery" to move the pain away from your body. This is a very powerful tool, as you are discovering. It gets easier to separate yourself from pain the more you practice. You will also begin discovering that certain imagery works better then other imagery. Try experimenting with different dreams, places and circumstances to find out what works best.
One of my favorite images is floating in warm, calm ocean water. There is a pod of dolphins circling protectively around me so I'm completely safe. Happy island music softly plays in the distance from a beach . The moist, warm salt air is filling my lungs, and healing them. The sun is softly glowing through big cumulous clouds in the sky. I'm at peace. I'm calm. I sense God's presence. That's one of my favorite places to go in my mind when in pain or stressed.
So keep up the imagery, Sarah! It works!
Well said, David!
Follow your dreams, Sarah. If you don't land exactly where you anticipated, maybe you'll end up loving where you DO land even more.
You WILL find a life you love...and love in your life.
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