Yesterday I had to face my people fears again as it was my best friend's baby shower. I'd had mixed feelings about it all week - nervous yet excited. Nervous to be around all those people but excited to see my best friend of 26 years. As days got closer and closer, I got more and more nervous but excited, too. My mom was also coming so I wouldn't be totally alone. And when I got there I immediately saw Corrie and gave her a hug, touched her belly. It was so good to see her and I calmed down a little bit. I said hi to a couple other old friends of mine from back in the day when I lived in Baker and then mom and I found a seat at a table. We had a little bit of food and I did my best to chat confidently with the others at our table. The most awkward question that was asked of me twice was, "And where do you work, Sarah?" To which I have an awkward reply of, "I'm a burn survivor and am disabled so I don't work at the moment." Ugh...
Then Corrie began the long process of opening presents as it was a relatively big shower and thus lots of gifts to open. My mother and I made a little baby blanket for her and she seemed to like it very much. I have another gift to give her but it will be given later after they have picked out a name for their baby boy. My shoulder began to hurt towards the middle but I washed down some tylenol and made it through to the end without having to leave early. I wanted to be there for the whole thing for my best friend. I didn't get to see her much. Some in the beginning and then after she had opened all the presents I got to talk to her privately for a little bit before we left. It was so good to see her and she looked stunning with her cute baby bump. It felt good to be able to have conquered my fears of being at that party so I could support my best friend. She's so important to me. I love you, Cor.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
edX
My therapist suggested a wonderful idea to me. She was surprised at herself that she didn't think of it sooner. See, I'm in a sticky situation with having to stay where I'm at for insurance purposes and being in the middle of surgeries and recovery still and wanting to go back to school to get my doctorate because no accredited schools offer online courses. So I'm stuck in this situation. Many have suggested to me to just take some online courses to have something to do but that's an expensive side project. Well, there's a solution: edX
EdX is absolutely 100% free online schooling from some of the best schools in the nation: Harvard, Berkeley, MIT, etc. You can take a class with thousands of students from all over the world and interact with them. Classes are fun but they are also very rigorous. This is no cake walk. But you get higher education and you learn from the best. You also make friends from all over the world. Registration takes seconds and as soon as you've registered, you just go through all the different courses and pick. Some courses take 12 weeks, some 16, some 17, etc. and there may be prerequisites for some courses. But for the most part, there are none. It is all self-paced learning. It's on your time and accessible 24/7. At the end of the course, if you pass, you receive a certificate of mastery in the subject you took and in some jobs, that certificate from an edX program is better than a Masters degree. Yes, seriously. You may say, there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, let me assure you, this is a free lunch. This is all about the students and learning. I'm not being naive about this. I have looked through the website and have a first hand account of someone who has gone through an edX course. There are no smoke screens. It's the real deal. The president of edX was even featured on the Colbert Report. You can see that interview HERE. Also you can learn more about edX from their website by going HERE.
So, I think I'm going to get involved in this for three reasons: 1) to give me something to do, 2) Work my brain because if you don't use it, you lose it and 3) It could help me with scholarships and getting admitted into a doctorate program later. I've already picked out my first course: Fundamentals of Neuroscience Part 1 from Harvardx. It's a three part course but you don't have to take all three. You take what you want. But unfortunately it doesn't start until October so I have to wait. There are so many other classes I want to take but the courses are going to be challenging so I don't think it's wise to take more than one at a time right now until I know more of what to expect. I'm really looking forward to this.
So, I think I'm going to get involved in this for three reasons: 1) to give me something to do, 2) Work my brain because if you don't use it, you lose it and 3) It could help me with scholarships and getting admitted into a doctorate program later. I've already picked out my first course: Fundamentals of Neuroscience Part 1 from Harvardx. It's a three part course but you don't have to take all three. You take what you want. But unfortunately it doesn't start until October so I have to wait. There are so many other classes I want to take but the courses are going to be challenging so I don't think it's wise to take more than one at a time right now until I know more of what to expect. I'm really looking forward to this.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Focus, Peripheral and Apartheids
I had quite an amazing therapy session this last week. It was chalk full of insights that I have been thinking about still. And I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to tell the session right, remember it right. It was that kind of a session.
She talked about when she had her children. She had both her kids in Florence, Italy, and there, at that time at least, there was no option for an epidural. The primary concern was not helping ease her pain but the birth of a baby. Her pain became peripheral, something that she would have to experience and go through but easing it was not the focus. The baby was the focus. She likened this to my depression. Everyone always wants to cure my depression but what if it's not curable? What if it's something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life? Depression and anxiety isn't always something that can be fixed and cured. Sometimes it's a lifelong battle that you have to learn to deal with. If that's the case, it's more of making the depression and the anxiety my peripheral and living life my focus. The depression and anxiety may always be passengers of my airplane of life but they do not have to internally hijack my mind all the time. Learn to experience the pain of it all but not let it be the primary focus of my life. Make them peripheral, not the focus. If you make it out to be something to overcome and you don't overcome it, you just spiral deeper falling down the rabbit hole into a world of darker nothingness. Maybe, if you don't make it something to overcome and make it the peripheral, making living life the focus, something magical might happen instead.
Ever since the beginning of college, I've been battling mental health. Been on almost every medicine under the sun trying to be "cured" of it, trying to "overcome" it and so far I haven't. Which is perhaps why I've never really gotten better. Some times were better than others and when I look back on those times it was when I made my mental health situation the peripheral and made living my life the focus. Like when I first moved to Portland, I was happy because I was living my life. And you may say, well, change of scenery helped and new situation. But, no, at the time I moved to Portland, I was in the middle of a very bad relationship that had me very upset and depressed. And when I made the decision to move to NYC, I began living my life again, made living my life the focus despite having just ended a long standing relationship that really left me despaired. But in those times, the depression didn't get me down, I learned to live with it and through it because I made it the peripheral and not the focus. And being completely in despair over an ended relationship did not become my primary focus, living my life did which is why I made the decision to finally move to NYC like I had planned to do a long time ago. And that was a magical happening for me.
We got on the subject of Nelson Mandela and you're probably wondering what the hell that has to do with anything. Nelson Mandela relates to me in this way: the apartheid. Nelson Mandela not only literally broke down apartheid in his country, but while he was in prison, he broke down an apartheid in his mind; an apartheid of right and wrong, good and bad, justice and injustice. My therapist looked at my life in much the same way. That maybe I need to find a way to break down the apartheid in my life; the life before I had my burn and the life I have now, who I was before I had the burn and who I am now. Maybe I need to break all that down and see it all as simply my life. No before and after the burn, just my life as it has turned out. The burn, the accident, is a part of my life. And who I was and who I am now is simply growth of myself and who I'm meant to be. Maybe breaking down this apartheid of my accident is the secret to finding peace; the peace I have longed for so desperately. It won't be easy, but maybe this is the key. I must break down my own apartheid and by doing so I will find my peace. Life doesn't always turn out as you planned, but sometimes, what happens instead is the good stuff.
She talked about when she had her children. She had both her kids in Florence, Italy, and there, at that time at least, there was no option for an epidural. The primary concern was not helping ease her pain but the birth of a baby. Her pain became peripheral, something that she would have to experience and go through but easing it was not the focus. The baby was the focus. She likened this to my depression. Everyone always wants to cure my depression but what if it's not curable? What if it's something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life? Depression and anxiety isn't always something that can be fixed and cured. Sometimes it's a lifelong battle that you have to learn to deal with. If that's the case, it's more of making the depression and the anxiety my peripheral and living life my focus. The depression and anxiety may always be passengers of my airplane of life but they do not have to internally hijack my mind all the time. Learn to experience the pain of it all but not let it be the primary focus of my life. Make them peripheral, not the focus. If you make it out to be something to overcome and you don't overcome it, you just spiral deeper falling down the rabbit hole into a world of darker nothingness. Maybe, if you don't make it something to overcome and make it the peripheral, making living life the focus, something magical might happen instead.
Ever since the beginning of college, I've been battling mental health. Been on almost every medicine under the sun trying to be "cured" of it, trying to "overcome" it and so far I haven't. Which is perhaps why I've never really gotten better. Some times were better than others and when I look back on those times it was when I made my mental health situation the peripheral and made living my life the focus. Like when I first moved to Portland, I was happy because I was living my life. And you may say, well, change of scenery helped and new situation. But, no, at the time I moved to Portland, I was in the middle of a very bad relationship that had me very upset and depressed. And when I made the decision to move to NYC, I began living my life again, made living my life the focus despite having just ended a long standing relationship that really left me despaired. But in those times, the depression didn't get me down, I learned to live with it and through it because I made it the peripheral and not the focus. And being completely in despair over an ended relationship did not become my primary focus, living my life did which is why I made the decision to finally move to NYC like I had planned to do a long time ago. And that was a magical happening for me.
We got on the subject of Nelson Mandela and you're probably wondering what the hell that has to do with anything. Nelson Mandela relates to me in this way: the apartheid. Nelson Mandela not only literally broke down apartheid in his country, but while he was in prison, he broke down an apartheid in his mind; an apartheid of right and wrong, good and bad, justice and injustice. My therapist looked at my life in much the same way. That maybe I need to find a way to break down the apartheid in my life; the life before I had my burn and the life I have now, who I was before I had the burn and who I am now. Maybe I need to break all that down and see it all as simply my life. No before and after the burn, just my life as it has turned out. The burn, the accident, is a part of my life. And who I was and who I am now is simply growth of myself and who I'm meant to be. Maybe breaking down this apartheid of my accident is the secret to finding peace; the peace I have longed for so desperately. It won't be easy, but maybe this is the key. I must break down my own apartheid and by doing so I will find my peace. Life doesn't always turn out as you planned, but sometimes, what happens instead is the good stuff.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Trying to Pick Up and Keep Going
If I've learned anything from life, it's that sometimes the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I've learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lessons; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and love can make room for the most wonderful people.
I've learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path.
I've learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I've learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can't give up.
We have to keep going. Even when it's scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we're battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We've made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.
~Daniell Koepke
A dear friend of mine, whom just started out as a facebook friend with one thing in common - Jack White - has grown into a dear friend and as we speak more and more and learn more about each other, she is becoming even dearer to me. We've been having chats that can get pretty long and take up an entire afternoon or morning but I don't mind on the time. I really enjoy talking with her because she brings such light into my life and helps me to see things through a little differently or sometimes she's just there to help me get off whatever's on my mind. She's learned a lot about me and I'm slowly learning a lot about her. I knew she was an amazing woman but as I've gotten to know her better, I wasn't prepared for just how spectacular she is. She is an angel to me. And I am so lucky to have her in my life and so very lucky to have her as my friend. She is a real, true friend.
This was posted on my wall yesterday and I thought it was amazing. It fit me so well with what I'm going through, right now especially. I'm in a very dark place right now and I'm trying to find the light in it all. Hopefully I will find one of those bright places that this darkness can lead us to and with the help of my friends, family and my angels, I will pick up and keep going.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Battling
I haven't written in some time because I haven't been well, physically, mentally and emotionally. I've been battling some dark depression for the past few months. And I've been battling health issues. I went back to see the Orthopedist this past Monday and he gave me another cortisone shot but this time he put it right in the shoulder joint. Last time he put it in the front of my shoulder where the tendon hooks into the shoulder joint. But it didn't help me any so he decided to try it in the shoulder joint. He said if it's going to help, I should notice a difference in the next couple days. But it's Thursday now, and I'm not any better. I'm supposed to follow up with him in three weeks again but I don't know what he's gonna want to do next since I asked him at my last appointment and his reply was, "Well, I'm hoping this is gonna work," referring to the cortisone shots. So, I'm still in loads of pain and I still can't use my arm any better.
I also had a diabetic three month check-up appointment yesterday and it did not go very well either. My A1C was 9.4. 9.4!!!! That's insanely bad. I've never had an A1C that bad before. I was close once with 8.6 but never this high. My jaw dropped to the floor when my doctor told me that. She was shocked about it, too. But when I told her I had been getting these cortisone shots, she was then not surprised that my A1C was that high. Cortisone shots can raise your blood sugar quite drastically. And my blood sugars have been very high lately. But I never imagined my A1C would be as high as 9.4!! So we did some adjustments and changes on my insulin pump. I also found out the name of my stomach problem that I have. I don't know if you remember but maybe a year ago I was having problems keeping food down when I ate. I would eat a meal and the food felt like it would just sit there in my stomach and then I would get nauseous and throw up my food. This happened almost every meal. So, I went to my PCP about it and he thought it was this disease that diabetics get but he could not think of what the disease was. But he was pretty sure that was it so I got put on some medication for it and ever since then, I've been able to keep my food down and get it to digest. Well, when I explained this to my endocrinologist at my diabetic check up she knew exactly what it was - Gastroparesis. Gastroparesis, also called delayed gastric emptying, is a medical condition consisting of partial paralysis of the stomach (paresis). This results in food remaining in the stomach for a longer time than normal. The vagus nerve controls the contractions that gets the food to move down into the small intestine for digestion. Gastroparesis may occur when the vagus nerve is damaged and the muscles of the stomach and intestines do not work properly, so thus food moves slowly or stops moving through the digestive tract. So now I have a name to this disease I have had for awhile. Just seems to go along with everything about my body not working or healing properly.
In other news, I've been battling some heavy depression, which is why I haven't been writing. I just have no interest in anything. I'm bored all day long but I have no interest in doing anything that I have interests in. Not to mention the problem with my shoulder keeps me from doing many of those interests as well because either I can't do it with the limited movement I have with my arm or I'm in too much pain. So then I just fall deeper into depression. It's a viscous cycle and I can't find my way out. I hadn't gone to therapy for quite some time, several months, and I finally got back into it last week. I go again tomorrow. Then there's some other health issues that I may be dealing with that has got me down. I can't get into it yet, not until I know more but, it could be another major health issue for me. So, I'm also dealing with that.
I don't know how to climb out of this, how to help myself. I'm so tired of feeling this way but it's not something that is easily fixed. I've got so much going on with my health and thus so much going on in my head about it. I wish I could just have a British stiff upper lip but that's not who I am. I feel and I feel deeply. I get caught up in it, lost in it. I don't know how to bury my emotions and just slap a smile on my face. That's not to say I go about my days overly expressing my emotions. Most of the time I'm quiet about what I'm feeling even though I'm feeling it so deeply that my heart hurts with it. My therapist said something in my session last week that resonated with me. She said she wonders how long I'm gonna put up with my life until I do something about it. Until I pull up anchor and go after what I want. I think I'm ready to pull up anchor any time, but there are a few things that aren't allowing me to pull up anchor yet, like surgeries yet to be done and needing a lot of care. I know my anchor will be down for at least another year but I know there are still things I could try to figure out to do until I am able to pull up anchor. It's not about being ready to pull up my anchor because I think I'm ready. It's about things that are not yet allowing me to pull up anchor and move on. I've gotta make the best out of my position right now. But being in a heavy depression halts that development. So, I guess I got some things to work on.
I also had a diabetic three month check-up appointment yesterday and it did not go very well either. My A1C was 9.4. 9.4!!!! That's insanely bad. I've never had an A1C that bad before. I was close once with 8.6 but never this high. My jaw dropped to the floor when my doctor told me that. She was shocked about it, too. But when I told her I had been getting these cortisone shots, she was then not surprised that my A1C was that high. Cortisone shots can raise your blood sugar quite drastically. And my blood sugars have been very high lately. But I never imagined my A1C would be as high as 9.4!! So we did some adjustments and changes on my insulin pump. I also found out the name of my stomach problem that I have. I don't know if you remember but maybe a year ago I was having problems keeping food down when I ate. I would eat a meal and the food felt like it would just sit there in my stomach and then I would get nauseous and throw up my food. This happened almost every meal. So, I went to my PCP about it and he thought it was this disease that diabetics get but he could not think of what the disease was. But he was pretty sure that was it so I got put on some medication for it and ever since then, I've been able to keep my food down and get it to digest. Well, when I explained this to my endocrinologist at my diabetic check up she knew exactly what it was - Gastroparesis. Gastroparesis, also called delayed gastric emptying, is a medical condition consisting of partial paralysis of the stomach (paresis). This results in food remaining in the stomach for a longer time than normal. The vagus nerve controls the contractions that gets the food to move down into the small intestine for digestion. Gastroparesis may occur when the vagus nerve is damaged and the muscles of the stomach and intestines do not work properly, so thus food moves slowly or stops moving through the digestive tract. So now I have a name to this disease I have had for awhile. Just seems to go along with everything about my body not working or healing properly.
In other news, I've been battling some heavy depression, which is why I haven't been writing. I just have no interest in anything. I'm bored all day long but I have no interest in doing anything that I have interests in. Not to mention the problem with my shoulder keeps me from doing many of those interests as well because either I can't do it with the limited movement I have with my arm or I'm in too much pain. So then I just fall deeper into depression. It's a viscous cycle and I can't find my way out. I hadn't gone to therapy for quite some time, several months, and I finally got back into it last week. I go again tomorrow. Then there's some other health issues that I may be dealing with that has got me down. I can't get into it yet, not until I know more but, it could be another major health issue for me. So, I'm also dealing with that.
I don't know how to climb out of this, how to help myself. I'm so tired of feeling this way but it's not something that is easily fixed. I've got so much going on with my health and thus so much going on in my head about it. I wish I could just have a British stiff upper lip but that's not who I am. I feel and I feel deeply. I get caught up in it, lost in it. I don't know how to bury my emotions and just slap a smile on my face. That's not to say I go about my days overly expressing my emotions. Most of the time I'm quiet about what I'm feeling even though I'm feeling it so deeply that my heart hurts with it. My therapist said something in my session last week that resonated with me. She said she wonders how long I'm gonna put up with my life until I do something about it. Until I pull up anchor and go after what I want. I think I'm ready to pull up anchor any time, but there are a few things that aren't allowing me to pull up anchor yet, like surgeries yet to be done and needing a lot of care. I know my anchor will be down for at least another year but I know there are still things I could try to figure out to do until I am able to pull up anchor. It's not about being ready to pull up my anchor because I think I'm ready. It's about things that are not yet allowing me to pull up anchor and move on. I've gotta make the best out of my position right now. But being in a heavy depression halts that development. So, I guess I got some things to work on.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Happy 38th Birthday, Jack!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK!!!!
Today is my love's birthday. Jack White was born John Anthony Gillis July 9th, 1975, the youngest of ten children of Teresa and Gorman Gillis. His first instrument was the drums at the age of six and since then he has never stopped learning instruments, learning music and writing music. He is truly an amazing musician and my favorite musician ever, since the first time I heard De Stijl. I was immediately in love with him and his music. His music has gotten me through some incredibly tough times in my life, especially now. I can spin a record of his and have wet tears on my face from the time I put the needle down on the record, lay down and close my eyes and listen to his music and by the time the needs runs out of music to play, the tears have dried. I forget my pain and anguish for the time being that his music fills up my world and I get lost in it. He has that power over me and my pain. He helps heal me. Thank you, Jack, for being you. For being brave to be who you are and giving me and millions of us your gift. You mean so much to me. Thank you for all that you do. Happy 38th birthday, Jack.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Orthopedic Appointment Results
I had my doctor appointment with the Orthopedist yesterday and I think I finally got an answer and possible solution. After doing some x-rays, talking to me about what was wrong, going through both my MRI's and then doing some tests on my arm and shoulder he concluded that he believes what is really happening is Biceps Tendonitis. The bursitis that showed up on the MRI is just a side effect of the biceps tendonitis. He explained to me what this is. Biceps tendonitis is an inflammation or irritation of the upper biceps tendon. This tendon, which is a strong, chord-like structure, connects the upper end of the biceps muscle to the bone in the shoulder. Symptoms of biceps tendonitis include pain in the front of the shoulder and weakness. Both of which, I have.
(Normal Shoulder Anatomy)
(Anatomy of Biceps Tendonitis)
I asked several questions, one of which was how this could have happened and he said that during the surgery, my arm may have been placed out in a position that pulled on the biceps tendon. Another question I asked was I knew bursitis could cause severe pain but what about this biceps tendonitis and he said, "Oh yes, it can cause quite severe pain." So then we discussed treatment. The biggest thing is rest. Then there's cortisone shots which can relieve pain and help it to heal. However, care must be taken with cortisone shots cause in some cases steroid injections, like cortisone, can further weaken the already injured tendon. He said, often in the first 24 hours after the cortisone shot, the pain can get much worse before it gets better. I am definitely experiencing the "worse before it gets better," cause I hurt much worse than usual. He also said patients sometimes see immediate effects but so far I can lift my arm no higher nor move it any easier than before the cortisone shot. But it may take a few days before you start to see results. In some rare circumstances, surgery is required to repair the tendon and strengthen where it attaches to the shoulder socket. With my case history of my body being difficult to heal, I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be one of those rare circumstances. We'll see how the next few days go. I have a follow up appointment in three weeks. But my mind is resting easier now that I have a more likely answer to my problem, an answer that makes sense with possible solutions to fix it. I just hope the solution will be the easier of them all with the cortisone shot and rest.
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