Friday, April 1, 2011

Creating A Future

"The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created - created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating."

Yesterday I had a major breakdown. I just couldn't see how my life was going to get any better. I'm scared that this next procedure is not going to work. Not for lack of faith in my doctor but for lack of faith in my own body and how it just never seems to do what the doctor's try. My body scars terribly, grafts don't take well and if they do they just end up in terrible contractures. Even the doctors say I'm one of the worst scar formers they have ever seen. So I'm so scared that what they are trying to do to fix my lower lip just isn't going to work. Then everything else about my life just came rushing up around me, my past, my life as it is now, and what is to be of my future. What scares me the most of all those three is my future. I don't know when all these surgeries are going to end, when I will be ready in my recovery to start my life again. And that brings me to the next question, when that happens, what am I going to do with my life, my future? My heart is bleeding to act again. It pumps with acting fever. But will all this reconstruction to fix me all work in the end so that I can act again? And I'm afraid the answer is a devastating no.

So this morning I found this quote and it's given me an insight, maybe even an epiphany. This quote offers a unique idea about our choices and our futures. If my future is first created in the mind, then my future is to act again. To be in front of that camera again and play a character. But according to the quote, it is also created in the will and next in activity. So by that equation, I must have the will to be strong enough to get through every day despite how bad I feel and that's the hard part. I still avoid the mirror only looking into it when I have to put make-up on to go out, which is rare.

But the unknown author of this quote also says our future is created in activity, that it is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. So what am I doing to create my future? Right now, the answer to that question is a big fat nothing. I hide out scared that I have no future anymore, hating God for taking it away from me. How do I get out from under this blanket of self-loathing, God hating, and depression to get active and get started on my way to creating a future? To be honest, I really don't know how. That blanket is awful heavy and I'm awfully weak in the mind and will to throw if off and say enough! I day dream all day long about the future that my heart aches for. And sometimes my heart aches for that future of acting again that I actually feel like it's actually crying tears for what may never be.

What remains is simply that if I'm going to have a future again, I must create it. But I'm scared that I can't create the future I have dreamed about since I first got a taste for it in the 6th grade. I always thought I was lucky that I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life since I was very young. I thought it was my destiny. Now I'm just lost in the present, unsure of a future that I can create.

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