It's Going To Be Hard Work

The past two days, as in Thursday and Friday, have been interesting for me. Thursday I had a good therapy session. Well, it was hard but good. See, since I fell into this deep, dark depression these past many months I stopped going to see my therapist because I felt nobody could help me. And to be honest, I didn't want the help. I just wanted to stay in my bed and sleep as much as possible to escape being awake and feeling like absolute shit. But finally, I made the phone call and got an appointment to see her. My first session back I pretty much started crying as soon as I sat down on the couch and couldn't stop for the entire hour. Of course, because of the severity of my depression that she saw she wanted to see me again this week so I had another appointment for Thursday. Thursday's appointment was almost as much crying but also very productive. She was actually kinda hard on me, I mean not hard on me in a bad way, a good way. She's kinda kicking my ass into gear, which is good. I need it. She's basically told me that if I really want to get out of this horrible depression that it's gonna be hard work and I've got to be dedicated to doing the work. Not really what I wanted to hear because I just want there to be a magic wand that can make my depression go away and make me happy. But there is no such magic wand so I have to do the work. And it's going to be so hard and I don't know if I can do it. But I have gotten side tracked....what was I talking about? oh yeah....

So, Thursday's therapy session was productive and a kick in the ass but I felt good about it. And then I forced myself to get out of the house and go have coffee with one of my most dearest friends, as I have already wrote about. And that was so very great. So that leads me to Friday. I felt so good about Thursday that that night, I texted another very dear friend of mine that I've known since High School and asked her if she would go out to lunch with me. She agreed with enthusiasm. But Friday morning rolled around and I, of course, woke up depressed, feeling like shit and actually thought of canceling my lunch date. But then I remembered what my therapist said, it's gonna be work. I also heard my Pastor's voice in my head, who is also one of my most dearest friends in the world, threatening to kick me in the shins if I don't go. I also knew that I would feel much better about my day if I went out with my friend. So I did. And it was fantastic having lunch with her. And I was right, I felt better about my day. I still felt like shit, I'll admit because I'm so far down into a depression hole, but I didn't feel AS bad as I know I would have if I didn't push myself out that door.

So, here I am today, it's Saturday and the good feelings of Thursday and Friday are still lingering with me. I went out with my mom to run some errands and I bought myself a new pair of shoes that actually have a heel on them! I haven't worn shoes with heels since my accident and I LOVE heels! So I bought myself a pair of high heels (wedge high heels actually, but still a heel!) as well as some new earrings so that they will inspire me to get dressed and get out of the house and see my friends because how boring is it to stay in the house all day wearing my pajamas? It's much more fun to put on some clothes and those heels and accessories and get out of the house!

I don't know how this next week is going to go or tomorrow for that matter. I still have a long, LONG way to go to climb out of this dark place I've been and I know there are going to be many setbacks but I have felt good about the past couple days and that's what I need to focus on to get me through today because I have no idea how I'm going to feel tomorrow. Well, I have an idea because it's how I've been feeling for the past four months basically but at least today has continued on from the good feelings of Thursday and Friday. As Kirsten Dunst says in the movie Elizabethtown, "Sadness is easier because it's surrender." And though I am tired of fighting this fight and have wanted to give up many days, I don't want to surrender and let the depression and the accident win.