Getting Out of the House

Today I had two dates: one was with my wonderful therapist. The other was with one of my dearest friends, Kristen Larkin. The first date was productive but hard. The second date was wonderful. Kristen and I went to Whitehouse Coffee here in La Grande. It's a new (well, kinda new) coffee house here in town that's pretty spectacular and I have never been so Kristen popped my "whitehouse" cherry as she put it :) We got some coffee and then went upstairs to one of the rooms and hung out drinking our coffee and talking about EVERYTHING. I only expected us to be there for maybe an hour or little more but we ended up talking for two and a half hours and I had the best time with her! We just talked and reminisced. It was really good for me. I truly enjoyed her company. And it felt SO GOOD to get out of the house. To actually get dressed was a big step.

I am finding it hard to get up in the mornings and put one foot in front of the other anymore. I'm getting so tired of fighting this fight and being alone. But then a friend like Kristen forces me out of the house and I remember why I'm fighting. I still feel like shit, but I guess little moments like my time with her help me forget about my personal daily Hell, even if it's only for a couple hours. The unfortunate thing is it is only a couple hours out of the many hours that make up my Hell because then I come home and I feel alone again and I get hard on myself. I don't mean to make my home sound horrible because it's a loving environment but you get my drift. So, I go to bed and try to sleep and dream because that's my only way to escape. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of my scars. I'm just plain old tired and run into the ground from depression and this journey.

But I want to thank you, Kristen, for a wonderful morning. I truly needed it. I want to thank everyone who reads my blog. I hope with all my heart that I inspire you to live, to truly live because you never know what can happen in life. I never thought something like this could happen to me but it did. And it has cost me a lot, even possibly my faith and spirituality. God, I'm tired...