Easter Sunday Church

I know I haven't written in awhile but it's because I have fallen into a deep depression and I haven't known what to say, or even felt like writing. I haven't felt like a lot of things are worth doing lately so I've been pretty depressed, as I said. But I went to church yesterday for Easter but I didn't go because I believe in God or even Jesus Christ because to be honest with you, I'm so angry at God that I have lost a lot of faith and belief in a higher power. I went because one of my dearest friends, Clay, who is also the Pastor at my church, asked me to go. I couldn't deny him. So my mother and I went and it was the first time I'd set foot inside a church in months. Clay's wife sat by me as well, which was nice. So good to see her, by the way. But, Clay's sermon was beautiful and the music was beautiful. Throughout most of the hour, I just sat there and stared at the great wooden cross that hangs behind the pulpit and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I kept thinking to myself, as I stared at that cross, "Why? Why God? I am here! Please answer me!" But I couldn't hear any answer, I couldn't feel any answer. But I continued to stare at the cross, tears continuing to fall down my cheeks.

And then Clay gave a most wonderful sermon that made me cry even more. I felt like he was talking directly to me with the subject matter of his sermon. I went through four Kleenexes during that hour of church and went through so many emotions. I didn't come across some epiphany that made me believe in God again but I did feel like I was spoken to by someone who serves God. Maybe, when I was staring at the cross and asking why, I was answered by my Pastor who serves God, if there is one.

I am still very angry, very depressed, and feel very alone. But I think going to church on Easter Sunday was good for me. Thank you, Clay for making me go.