One Day I'll Fly Away

As the musical lyrics go, "One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday," I can only hope that that will happen for me. I just want to fly away from all of this, the sorrow, the anger, the self-loathing and hate for God, the depression, the crying. Leave it all to yesterday and move to my new city, which I will not name yet but have decided on, with hope, happiness, determination, and full of life again. I'm tired of all these negative emotions that harbor inside of me. But I don't know how to get rid of them. They feel like demons inside of my soul and I just want to exorcise them. I want to be happy again, to smile again. I'm sick of the roller coaster ride of emotions that I experience on a daily basis. One moment I'm sad, then I'm crying, then I'm angry, the next I'm simply flat, I feel nothing and I stare at the wall. I stare at the wall for so long that suddenly it's like I'm not seeing anything and I can't move. It's like I'm swallowed up into a hole where dark thoughts begin to fester in my mind and I think of the unthinkable. But after awhile in that hole, I'm back to the wall and now instead of going on a roller coaster of emotions, they're all at me at once. Attacking me from every angle so that I'm not just sad, I'm angry and sad and depressed and crying. Breakdown. I'm not staring at the wall anymore, I've hit it. Bottomed out. And this happens to me nearly every day.

So where are you, God? Why make me suffer every day not only physically but psychologically as well! I've been tortured enough! But yet, I face at least a couple more years worth of surgeries and recovery and I fear the psychological torture will follow with it. I almost want to be free of you, God, as you seem to be of me. Never in my most horrible thoughts before the accident did I ever imagine something like this could happen to me. These kind of things happened to other people, not me. But now, I, am one of those people that other people look at, hear about and then distance themselves from the news of it because it happens to other people, not them.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep singing, "One day I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday," over and over as the tears fell from my eyes, streamed down my cheeks and onto my pillow until I finally made my escape from it all into sleep.