Sunday, October 9, 2011

Emotional Hoarding

"Regrets are a waste of time.  They're the past crippling you in the present."

I've got a lot of mistakes and regrets to work through in my life, not to mention a lot of guilt with my accident.  I know all the many little sayings about not living your life with regrets but it's so hard for me to let go of the those things that aren't tangible, which is funny if you think about it.  I'm not a hoarder of the tangible things.  I hate when junk starts piling up so I get in a cleaning mood and throw out most of that junk.  But when it comes to the non-tangible things, the junk that I can't actually hold in my hand and throw away, the emotional junk, I become a hoarder.  I am an emotional hoarder.  Is there such a thing?  If not, I just made it up and now I should become a psychologist and officially name it a disorder and treat people for it.  Hello, my name is SB and I'm an emotional hoarder.

But in all seriousness, I hold on to emotional junk.  I guess maybe a lot of people would call that "emotional baggage," but I think it sounds much more creative, and disorderly, if I call it emotional hoarding.  This is a big issue in my therapy sessions.  I've had a guilt thing going on since my college days and I still can't let it go.  I obsess over my mistakes and feel regret for something everyday.  All this emotional hoarding, all this guilt, all this regret is crippling my present.

My emotional baggage and dealing with it has only gotten bigger and worse since my injury.  It feels like all that emotional hoarding came to a head with my accident.  I am and always have been ill-equipped with the right tools to deal with my emotions but since my accident I feel like any tools I did have were taken with the fire, just like it took so many other things from me.  It's like I once had both a Phillips screwdriver and a Flathead and the different kinds of nails to use with them but now all I've got is the Phillips with nails that only a Flathead can fit to.  So since I can't fit the Phillips screwdriver (my emotional tool) to that particular nail (my emotions) I don't deal with my emotions very well.  Regret and guilt poisons my soul and mistakes occupy my mind in overtime.

I know regrets are a waste of time but how do I let them go so they can finally stop crippling my past?  This is what occupies most of my therapy hour and let me tell you, emotional hoarding is serious.  I've been working on this problem and my inability to handle my emotions, my inability to let regrets go, let mistakes go, let the PAST go since my first year of college, then with a 3.5 year break while I was in New York.  And now 3.5 years after my injury I'm still working on it.  It's long, and very hard and painful, process to go through.  I feel so many different emotions everyday, most often multiple emotions all at the same time and I don't know how to deal with them properly, or even just deal with them particularly since my injury.  I'm tired of fighting these regrets and the guilt that pours poison down my throat and into my soul and I'm tired of thinking on overtime about any mistakes I've made.  I want to let go.  I want to let go so my past no longer cripples my present so I can move on and truly live in my present so that I don't waste any more days on regret, guilt, and mistakes.  To let go and believe in a bright future again.

Hi, my name is SB and I'm an emotional hoarder.  "Hi SB."  

3 comments:

Unknown said...

"Emotional hoarding" is a GREAT term for what you are describing. And it is indeed poisonous to us. Joyce Meyers latest book is on the subject of emotions, and how to not let them control us. I want to read it first before I give it to you, but I've heard nothing but good things about this book.

Sarah Beth Watterson said...

Thanks April, I thought it was a very good term, too! :) That would be great to read that book when you're done! Thank you!

MSK said...

It really is awful how the mind works sometimes. How things in the past can really weigh us down and prevent us from moving on and feeling emotionally healthy. I am sometimes envious when I see religious Christians who have such faith and are able to wash away their past misgivings or "emotional turmoil" they might have through their belief in God and turning it over to Jesus. I guess that is how some go about it. But it is truly a fight within the mind.