"I could not at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Eleanor Roosevelt. What a lady. I also cannot imagine being content at any age to just take my place by the fire and "simply look on." I believe I was meant for huge things, a life made up of dreams. But now I don't know what I'm meant for anymore because of the accident. It took all that from me. I'm so mad at what happened!! It ruined everything! It took so much from me and halted my life. It took away what I knew of my future and it took away my body. It took away who I thought I was and left me with a hollow shell filled with anger and sadness.
I understand this may be an obstacle in my way that knocked me down but what kind of a God uses fire on someone as an obstacle? Isn't that just a little extreme and downright MEAN? Did I really need to be almost killed in order to be knocked down and lose everything? Or maybe there is no God and it was just a mere horrible accident and the Universe was being fucking mean and extreme? There are a couple reasons I do want to still believe in God (as of right now) and that's so I have someone to direct my anger at besides myself and to make dying less scary. But then I ask myself, what kind of God would let something like this happen? Yeah, ok, maybe He kept me alive on the journey to Portland but I'm not buying it. I think more that I kept myself alive. During my time in a coma, there was nothing. Nothing. And I'm not talking after they got me stable, I'm talking when I slipped away when the EMT's got there. That's fucking scary to me. I didn't see a light or anything else that people have seen in near death experiences. I want to think that's all bullshit because why didn't I get to see God or angels as I was dying? Something to hold my faith together. But all I got was blackness. Nothingness.
I want to understand why this happened. What am I meant for now? Am I still meant for a life that is made up of the stuff of dreams or something else? I want to believe that this was meant to be, that it happened for a reason but I'm still searching for that reason. It's been almost 4 years and I'm still bloody searching for a reason!!! I just don't understand. I'm just not the kind of person to sit by the fire and look on, as Eleanor said. I want to be bigger than life and see the world! I want to live a life of dreams! But the fire made it's mark on me so I don't know if I'll be able to live that life I dream about. What does life have in store for me now? I want to understand so I can be at peace finally. I want so desperately to be at peace in my soul with what happened to me.
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