Saturday, July 10, 2010

Very Much In Public Today

I was out and about in public today. Very much in public. It was Crazy Days today in La Grande and my mother and I decided to get out and go walk around Crazy Days for a bit. I was pretty nervous being around so many people, being stared at and worried that I might run into anyone who hasn't seen me yet. I did pretty well reining in my fear but I could not ignore any stares. Those are the hardest to get over. However, I also did run into someone I knew whom I hadn't seen yet. Something I also did not want to happen but it turned out ok. He treated me very well and didn't make me feel different at all. So thank you Shaun, for being so kind.

I'm not sure what strangers think when they see me and my scars. I know they want desperately to ask me what happened and that's why they're staring but I still can't stand the stares. I wonder if they know my scars are from a burn, if they recognize that particular look of the scars. My occupational therapists tell me I need to learn to smile, and actually say to whoever is staring at me, "I am a burn survivor." But I can't seem to find the confidence to do that. I'm scared to speak up and tell them that what they are staring at is a burn and I was burned in an accident in my home. For some reason that is so hard for me to do. Why? That's why they're staring at me; to know what happened so wouldn't they be happy if I spoke up about it? But the nerve to do so alludes me time after time.

On a side note, I was asked by Shaun if I was going to go to the class reunion which is happening in about a month. Many people have asked me this and I'm just not sure. For awhile there I was adament that I would not go for reasons that I think (and hope) everyone can understand. But at that time, not many people had seen me. Now I have gone public with photos of myself so it's not so much a secret about my scars and disfigurement but to me, I feel like it's quite the difference between photos and seeing me in person. Everyone, on the other hand, have been so supportive of me that I think, well maybe it won't be so bad to go to the picnic at least. But when I think about it, it scares the shit out of me: to see so many people who knew what I looked like before the accident and to see how I look now. I just don't know what to do.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I have to put my own life in perspective. I have to take a situation and be realistic about it (easier said than done:). Is it really a life or death situation? If you do go and someone makes you feel uncomefortable or bad about yourself, thats their choice, their life, and their attitute-NOT yours. In fact, if you pay attention, a persons attitude or opinion is always a direct reflection inside of THEM, good or bad. This is your life. Live it. We love you for exactly who you are today!

Lisa said...

GO!! You will be so proud of yourself for facing that fear. It will make you that much stronger.

Scott Denman said...

Sarah You are such a strong person. Just remember you can not control actions of others. The only thing you can control is your reaction to their actions. I know that sounds easier said than done. However you are a strong young lady and as Lisa said it will make you stronger going. I am proud of you for going out today. Your recovery is baby steps and you are taking those. Good for you.