Today I took my second step in getting my psychology degree by going to meet with a psychology professor about what exactly it is that I need to do. The psychology requirements have changed a bit but seeing as how I've already done everything that was required of me when I graduated they are not going to make me do the additional requirements. So what I need to graduate is 36 of any credits. We also discussed doing a practicum in the Spring (I'm planning on returning to school in the winter term). I plan on doing my credits online and i plan on doing this very slowly as I have to travel to doctor appointments and surgeries all the time. So only a class or two at a time.
Marie asked me if I knew what I wanted to do with my psychology. Good question. What do I want to do? There are two areas that I am interested in - forensic psychology and dealing with trauma patients. Now I know what you're thinking...GO WITH TRAUMA PATIENTS! That is also screaming in my head too. Not to toot my own horn but I would be rather excellent at dealing with trauma victims being as I've been through a terrible trauma myself and have first hand experience. I really think I could help trauma victims/survivors.
So is this where I'm destined? I still can't help but think about my acting. I know one of my friends, who I have copied her email on here before, would tell me to go with the change. I always thought of change as a good thing. In fact, I loved change. But this kind of change is pretty big and life-changing, if you will, and I'm not sure I am ready to go forth with it. But the more I think about graduating with a SECOND degree the more excited I get. I need to let that excitement soak through me like a sponge and flow with the change that it brings. I shouldn't be afraid of it because that only seizes my body with anxiety like holding on to an electrical wire, unable to let go. Change is what you make of it. And when it happens you must make the best of it. You must take charge of it instead of letting it take charge of you. For when you let change take charge of you, that's when fear and anxiety set in and seize you like a prisoner. I am slowly learning to flow with the change and take charge of it. Rule it. But I am only slowly learning because I am still holding onto the past. I didn't do all that I could with the opportunities I had available to me and I curse myself everyday for not doing all that I could. I became a bum. And I am so angry at myself for becoming such a bum. So because of that it is very hard for me to take charge f the change that has happened in my life because i'm holding onto the "what if's." "What if's" are a poison that kill you slowly. And the only antidote is to accept what has become your present, or in other words, accept the change that has become your present and use that change to shape a future that will not repeat your past.
So what is the change that has become of my life? I was in a horrific accident that forever changed my life in ways many people will never understand. I am changed physically and emotionally and my career path may be changed. I still dream of being an entertainer but I have chosen to accept my reality and the change it has brought with it by going back to school to finish a degree that I can work with despite the change in my physical attributes. I dream of the day that I can let go of the past but yet I am afraid of that day. For what will I have to hang on to then? I will then be forced to grab onto change like a runaway horse and pull myself up onto it. Only I must grab the reins and resist the urge to stop it but to let it run, run as far as it's heart can go and enjoy the ride.
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