What Have I Done With My Life?

I am 28 years old, 29 in January, and am having a hard time realizing I really haven't accomplished anything in my life. What have I done? Moved to New York City? No. That's nothing. I remember when I was in highschool I made a promise to my health teacher that by my 10 year reunion I would have made my first blockbuster movie. Well that never came to pass because I had my accident and it destroyed everything in my world. So I am now 28 going on 29 in 3 months and I haven't done anything. In fact, I've had to practically start over. I had to relearn how to walk, how to climb stairs. I'm living at home again. When will I get back on my feet and start living my life again? When will I finally be able to leave my parents home and take care of myself? I have this crushing weight of a feeling on me that I will still be here when I'm 30, even 31. Do you know what that does to your psyche and emotions?

So many of my friends are lawyers or doctors or even has won a Rocky Mountain Emmy. And what am I? A burn survivor whose about to go through her 25th surgery and is living at home with her parents. A burn survivor who dedicates her days to cross stitching and reading. How accomplished is that? I had such a bright future ahead of me and it all came crashing down on me. I've done nothing in my life and this bothers me a great deal. I have such a long ways to go yet. What will I be able to bring to the table now that I'm a burn survivor? I feel like I hold no cards anymore.

Every single day is a struggle for me. It seems like I'm either in surgery or in recovery. I'm barely coming out of recovery for this last surgery and I'm going right back in to another surgery and it's going to be a doozy. The doctor is releasing both sides of my neck again and releasing BOTH arms all at the same time. I'm not going to be a happy camper. And I'll be back in serious recovery. I feel like I'm never taking a step ahead in my life. I know I'm making advances on my body with all these surgeries, but I'm not going anywhere in life as compared to many of my friends. What a horrible feeling that is. I feel like a loser.

Why did you do this to me God? I still don't understand! What do you want me to do? I'm so confused and lost. I HATE you for what you have done to me and for destroying my life! I have to admit, there are days where I wish I had not survived and that is a terrible thought to have. But how much longer must I suffer? Have you forgotten me? I'm tired of the sorrow I carry in my heart everyday. I'm so very tired of it.

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?"

~Psalm 13: 1-2