Lonely, Scared and Empty

I'm writing this morning to share with you how lonely I really am. I have incredible family and some great friends. But many of those friends do not live in my town. I do have Clay and Jen, who are always trying to get me out to be with people and make new friendships, and my friends from church as well as Jocelyn (the mother of my nephew). I have also just begun a new friendship with an old friend from high school but we have yet to see each other. But you know exactly what is missing - that comfort of a companion.

I hide out like a hermit because I am embarrassed by my scars despite how my neck has transformed. But some of my face was burned and that is what is most embarrassing for me. Luckily it was just the lower half. My nose and eyes and forehead were not effected, but the lower half - my cheeks and lips - were. I am awaiting lip surgery in 6-8 weeks from last thursday and this will help my confidence to see people tremendously. I don't know yet if Dr. Vangelisti, my plastic and reconstructive surgeon, will be doing my face at the same time. That was a question I neglected to ask. So my next step is to await his phone call on when surgery is scheduled for. This I am IMPATIENTLY waiting for. I hope I hear from him before Thanksgiving. That would be a dream. But I'm afraid I will not hear from him until after the holiday.

So in the meantime, here I am, alone and scared and frustrated. He says he is CONFIDENT that he will be able to repair me to my pre-burn physical looks but I am so scared that I will forever be scarred and never look the same. I am so very scared. And this fear makes me feel so alone. To fear that because of the possibility of being scarred in a place that you cannot hide from people makes me scared that I will never find a companion. Now I know firsthand what disabled people feel when it comes to that "companion-less" emptiness inside.

So this morning as I talk to a friend who is dating someone I find myself envious of him. Oh how I wish this had never happened to me. It is such a devastating accident and it has changed my life dramatically. And what's worse, is that I should be thankful this Thanksgiving that I am alive. But there are many times, and this is going to sound horrible, that I wish I had died in the accident rather than having to endure this life that I am living. I'm sorry to say that.

So here I am, crying all over my computer as I write this feeling so empty and alone wondering if my life will ever be anything like it used to be. I mourn the life I used to have everyday but this morning I am having a particularly hard time and I needed to write it to remind all of you out there that are disabled that you are not alone in your loneliness and fear and loss. And to remind all of you who are NOT disabled and have someone to love and loves you back, love with all your heart. Don't just go through the motions of your everyday life. Live your life like it could end tomorrow and love, truly love, if you have it.