Punished by God?

Since my accident I think about God much more than I did before the accident. I had a blessed childhood and a blessed young adult life. In High School I was successful in the arts, sports, and academics. I also did well in college graduating in three years with two majors, though I think I regret that sometimes, wishing I had stayed another year to continue work on my voice and acting. And then I moved to New York City where I had a wonderful two years until the third year, when I went through a real rough patch and ended up coming home for a visit to get away and search my soul when the accident happened.

Now since the accident, I feel as though I am being punished by God for any sins and wrong doing I did, any offenses against other people that I did either consciously or unconsciously. Because what happened to me was bad, real bad. I feel as though He is being so cruel as to have punished me and then let me live to live out the punishment. And for this I cry very often. I have a lot of bad days and on some of those bad days, I actually wish I had died in the accident. I am going through hell with my life right now and another thing that makes me cry so, is that my life is on hold now. For a long time. My burn doctor and plastic surgeon have both told me that a burn is one of the most devastating accidents there is because it is such a slow healing process, taking as long as even 4 years. Well I am 18 months into my healing and I hardly see a difference, except in my recent surgery to release my neck and right elbow and wrist. Other than that, my scars are still very prominent and because of that I hide out, not allowing people to see me cause I'm so embarrassed by them. So now I live at home, with aging parents and have to be taken care. And with the rate of my healing, it's looking like a 4 year plan for me.

What did I do that was so horrible to be punished this badly for? I feel as though the wrath of God has been brought down on me and He is showing no mercy. So every night that I go to bed I pray that it will be all over with tomorrow. But despite my prayer, I know that it won't and therefore I wish never to wake up again so I don't have to experience the pain or look in the mirror at a face I don't recognize and makes me cry every time I do look at it. Almost my entire body is scarred and despite what the doctors say, I feel as though nothing, no matter how many surgeries I go through, will fix this body. And for that I feel trapped.

I mourn the life I used to live back in New York before that third year. I grieve for it everyday of my now suffering life. I was living my dream to be an actress and a singer; to be on Broadway and on film. And in an instant, it was all taken from me and I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back. And if I can't, my soul will die.