I had an incident of that anger let loose tonight, which is why i'm writing again, even though I have already made a blog post for today. But who says I can't blog more than once in a day, right? And when I get angry like that, I feel so alone and immediately regret it. It only proves to my parents that I'm a ticking time bomb and that they have to walk on egg shells around me. And that pisses me off that they feel like that. But they just don't understand why I'm like that. My accident has made me this way and I've tried to explain it but it only seems like an excuse to them I think. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of exploding at the tiniest thing. I'm tired of raising my voice to the people who care for me everyday. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of my life. This is no life that I want to live.
I wish I had the patience of my mother and the patience of my oldest brother Mark. I don't think in all my 29 years I have ever seen him angry, and I'm not kidding. Same with my mother. How do I get rid of this festering anger that boils the blood that runs through my veins? I want to be a peaceful, patient person. My father often makes comments about a temper tantrum I may have just had and then I just get even angrier with myself for allowing myself to have said temper tantrum because it was probably over something really stupid and made me look like that ticking time bomb I said I felt like I was. And then I feel like a child. This accident has just made me so angry at so many things for so many reasons! And I'm writing about this tonight because my temper took control of me and I was immediately then angry at myself for letting it happen. So here I am, writing about it to try and make sense of it. God, I am just so ANGRY! And almost all the time! I'm tired of it. I'm tired of this life that I'm living. I'm tired of you, God, if you really want to get right down to it. How do I simmer this anger when it stems from something so tragic and awful?
How does one survive a trauma like I have been through without being angry or moody all the time? I'm scared that this trauma will live on in me forever and thus so will the anger. How many people, including myself, will I hurt along the way because I can't let go? It's poisoning me and it's poisoning the relationships I have with people I love. I've got to let go. Just like that birthday card said, I've got to make peace. oh God, if there is even a God, I don't know where to start. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want my parents to walk on egg shells around me. I want to be a patient person like my mother and brother. By being angry all the time, I'm letting the trauma of my accident win. And to tell you the truth, I don't known if I'm going to win this fight.
2 comments:
Sarah, I don't even know what to say. I'm silenced by your suffering. From my experience God IS real, but tonight He seems silent. I'm praying you will hear His voice in a profound way.
S, I just wanted to pop in and say, Of Course You're Angry and It's OK to Express It. Just because you feel angry today doesn't mean that is who you are and who you will be. It sounds like your Mom and bro (2 bros right?) are cool with it and maybe Pop had a moment. We all have days when other people work our nerves, just because your Dad had one moment, doesn't mean that there is anything beyond that one moment from the past or in the future. People who love you, and people who are in the medical community, get that it isn't personal but an expression of frustration or whatever. Personally, I think it is great that you are allowing yourself to be who you are in the moment (but I'm a big believer in that kind of thing, not everyone is so please forgive me for taking that liberty). Anger is such a complicated emotion that it's hard to write about but in my opinion, anger is based in fear, frustration, physical pain and how would it be possible to deal with everything and all the unknowns and expectations that you are dealing with without being scared? Society here has judged anger to be unacceptable and I think we internalize that and so we double judge ourselves for a perfectly normal emotion. I believe that we're born with these emotions to teach us/show us who we are/where we are in our heads and hearts in a given moment. If it is just to acknowledge and accept how a situation is or as a flag that it needs changing. Want to hear something strange? I've always been an angry type, and then I did alot of work on myself and learned that I was angry for very good and valid reasons and got an understanding of ways to accept and look at things as well as some control mechanisms. I'm not afraid of being angry and acting out anymore (and I have recently, not pretty but I've done worse). One day I noticed that I was the go to girl for my community when people were just flipping furious at anything or anyone, including me. At first I was what the heck and then I realized that it was a gift and they knew I was safe because I'm not scared of angry people, they are just hurting, feel misunderstood, can't articulate what they need or so many other things. Once I realized that I was able to give myself the same compassion and understanding that I felt everyone else deserved and got from me. So I think it's great that you are blogging and I hope you will just take one moment to give that part of yourself a kind thought and gentle hug. Hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here but I think us angry ones need to support each other.
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