My pastor and I were in a conversation about where I am placing the blame: God, me, other people, or just plain accident. I said I didn't know what order to place them in but most certainly God and myself and then just plain accident. I, of course, said God, myself and just plain accident but I wrestle with blaming myself and God almost equally every day. I blame God for reasons you already know and I blame myself for getting sloppy with my life. It's particularly hard blaming myself because I have to live with myself everyday. I can't escape myself. How do I forgive myself? How do I keep living?
However, I came upon an interesting quote that completely goes against everything that my pastor and I talked about: "Placing the blame is a bad habit, but taking the blame is a sure builder of character," ~Orlando A. Battista So since I'm blaming myself, I'm building character? But the way that the conversation between my pastor and I was going led me to believe that I need to stop blaming myself. I'm so confused. Does blaming myself hurt me or build character? Or both? But how could it be both? I can certainly see how it can hurt me, but I absolutely can't see how it can build my character.
Not a day goes by that I don't blame myself for bad choices I have made and of course, not a day goes by that I don't blame myself, and God, for the accident as well. How much of a role did I play in the accident? I also ask myself that question every time I think about the accident, which is every day. I don't remember the accident at all. Not a single moment. Not a sound, nothing visual. While my mother was downstairs calling 911, my father stayed upstairs with me and my last words before the paramedics got there and did their thing was, "I'm sorry daddy." So it's clear that with those last words that I definitely blamed myself for what happened.
But note the difference in the wording of the quote between "placing" the blame and "taking" the blame. Does it really matter if I place the blame on myself or take the blame? It doesn't seem so to me. Blame seems to be blame whether you're taking or placing it on yourself or someone else. Oh how I can't even count how many ways that I blame myself for so many things. The weight that I carry on my shoulders from this blame is so extreme, to say the least. The day that this weight is expunged will be a day of celebration and perhaps on that day, we'll see if I built any character from all the blame I have placed upon myself.
6 comments:
I guess I would disagree with the quote in that the word blame is used. I don't think blame is ever healthy. If you replaced it with responsibility, then I would agree. I think in any difficult and hurtful situation the only way to truly move past it and receive anything positive from it is to go beyond blame and carefully evaluate the circumstances to find what is true, a time-consuming process and not easy to do because our perception is not always in line with reality. Which is why it is good to have someone walking with you who knows the ins and outs of the heart and mind and can help you see things from outside yourself. Once you know the truth of the situation, you can let go of the burden of things that are not your responsibility. Of the things that are, you can begin to forgive yourself and decide what needs to change. Blame is a dead-end, but taking responsibility for something that truly belongs to you is the beginning of a life better-lived. It was a difficult and painful journey for me, but where I am now compared to where I was then is like being able to breathe freely for the first time after a lifetime of daily struggle. Or maybe a better analogy would be getting normal range-of-motion when before, you couldn't even lift your head. Living life like that is worth what it will take to get you there. I pray for you when I think of you. I'm also sending you a virtual smile and a hug. :-)
-Tabitha
I agree with what Tabitha said about blame v.s. taking responsibility and learning to forgive yourself. Heavy stuff!
You could have been texting while driving and be in the exact same situation you are now - and how many people text while driving? Reality is trustworthy because you can always depend on things happening the same every time. Reality does not play favorites or get vendettas. That much you can believe in, and believing that God gave us reality as a gift (freedom, too) may help a little. Still sucks that you had the accident. On the other hand, the human body has amazing capacity for healing. Want to get out and walk with me sometime?
I think there's a vital link missing here. I think Battista is talking about accepting blame or placing blame when when oneself is responsible for something. That is, if I break a plate at home and Jen asks what happened and I say, "Ummm, Sam did it. Stupid dog." I would be building a bad habit. If, however, I owned up to my responsibility, I'd be building character.
I don't think you're responsible for your accident. It was a horrible thing that happened, but it was not your fault. I think there's some wisdom in Tabitha's statement that blame is a dead end.
Sarahbeth, I totally agree with Tabitha's comment above. It's perfectly normal to look for blame, but it's not necessary and in my opinion, has no value. I read where you said the last thing you said to your father was, "I'm sorry daddy". Those are almost the exact words I last heard from Michael before he was placed in a coma for 2 months. I never once thought those words were an admission of blaming himself but he was just sorry for what we (Sherry and I and friends and family) were about to have to endure. I don't know if you've seen this video, but it shows how this guy finally reached the "what is" instead of "what could have been" point in his life. I don't believe it's a magic switch you can turn on but more of a process. It's even more difficult for you since you are still in the recovery process physically with your many surgeries and that makes it hard to see the "what is" yet. Praying that you'll get there soon......Steve Gartman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuwXTZVNz5g
Sarahbeth,
your heart is such that i think perhaps you would have apologized to your dad just for the circumstance regardless of the cause.
blame is so complicated, i never found a way myself to sidestep it rather than plowing through it (at a snail's pace). conceptually, personal responsibility and then personal forgiveness are the path. so easy to type, so hard to do.
my heart goes out to you. alie
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