Stephanie Nielson "I Am Not My Body"

It is Monday morning, the morning after Super Bowl XLV and it's very windy outside. I am having a really rough time with the port to the tissue expander in my neck. I awoke this morning around 4:30 and moved slightly and was shocked with the sharpest pain in my port area. The doctor says the reason I may have some pain in that port area is because they basically had to tunnel a hole area in the tissue that is unnatural to put the port in and stitch it in place. Super. So every once in awhile, when I move my arm in a certain way, sharp pains shoot through that port area, which is located up on my shoulder, kinda on the bone. And when that pain hits it is unbearable. I screamed out in pain at 4:30 this morning.

This is going to be a rough couple of months having this port where it is while they expand the tissue expander in my neck. I sit here in my new laz-y-boy chair wondering when the day will come when I WON'T be in pain or some kind of suffering? I know I complain about this all the time and you're all probably pretty tired of it, and to be honest, so am I. So am I. But it consumes me. I am not at peace, as I blogged about last week, so it consumes me. I saw an ad with Stephanie Nielson who was in a plane crash and burned, many of you may know her. But something in her ad struck me. She said, "I am not my body." WOW. Good for her. Now she has been able to make peace. But you know what's been a little bit easier for her? NOT that what happened to her was any easier than what happened to me because she had something horrible, unimaginable happen to her. But she already had a family. She already had a husband, someone wonderful who was not going to leave her because of her scars, and a family, wonderful kids that have stood by her side since the accident and have continued to do so. So she is lucky there. But I don't have those things. She is indeed an inspiration for me and I read her blog a lot but she does have things that I'm afraid I won't ever get to have because I didn't get the opportunity to have them before the accident. But I so admire her bravery and applaud her statement, "I am not my body."

I, however, still feel like I AM my body. I AM my scars. I do not have Stephanie's wonderful attitude about my body that is seared with scars. I do so aspire to someday be able to look in the mirror and be able to say that. To be able to look in the mirror and look past the scars and say those words, "I am not my body," and be ultimately happy with the life that I have. The mirror is my enemy just as is my body. I can escape the mirror but I cannot escape my body. It is my personal hell.