A Good Message From A Birthday Card

I wanted to share a birthday card I got for my 29th birthday from my mother because it has a beautiful message that touched me. So, here it is:

"Love yourself.

MAKE PEACE with who you are

and where you are

at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.

If you can't hear what it's saying

in this noisy world,

MAKE TIME for yourself.

Enjoy your own company.

Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.

Take chances.

MAKE MISTAKES.

Life can be messy

and confusing at times,

but it's also full of surprises.

The next rock in your path

might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.

when you don't have what you want,

want what you have.

MAKE DO.

That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.

You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.

To know where you're going

is only part of it.

You need to know where you've been, too.

And if you ever get lost, don't worry.

The people who love you will find you.

Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.

It's what you do with time

and with all the goodness and grace

that's inside you.

MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE....

The kind of life you deserve."

Now I know that was kind of long but I think it has an incredibly beautiful and important message, particularly little messages inside the big message itself. The first that catches my heart is right away with, "MAKE PEACE with who you are and where you are at this moment in time." Don't get me wrong, that's simply beautiful, BUT I'm struggling with this right now and I mean REALLY struggling. Making peace with who I am and where I am at this moment in time means accepting the accident and what happened. I simply cannot. Especially when I look in the mirror or when any of my scarred skin is exposed or when I try to do a simple task such as putting away dishes in the cupboards and I can't reach. Or each time I go in for yet another surgery. This moment in time for me is daily struggles and almost monthly surgeries that usually result in some kind of complication. So what do I do instead? I curse God. I cry daily. I sleep almost every other day, all day just so I don't have to face my life. But I so desperately DO want to make peace. I constantly feel like I'm a bomb about to explode at anything and I hate that feeling of having no control. My mother has made several comments about my temper since the accident and I feel like she doesn't understand why my temper can be so touchy. It's because I feel like the accident stole my life, my body, my future so it's so easy for me to get angry and not be able to make that peace. I don't understand! I don't like people feeling like they're walking on eggshells around me. But I'd also like them to understand WHY. So I've resolved to making a resolution for this 2011 year and that is to work on my temper and to TRY and make that peace that I so desperately seek.

What also stuck out to me is, "Try. Take chances." I feel like I try but do I really? I spend most of my days in the house ALL DAY LONG. I don't see my dearest friends who support me most lovingly as much as I should. I shut out any and all chances at having a life again. All I can see is living at home being cared for by my parents. I often talk about feeling lonely ALL THE TIME but do I really try to do anything about it like seeing those friends or even, shall I dare say it, going out on a date? NO WAY to the latter. Who would want me? I'm a disfigured mess. I'm ugly and scarred. It's hard for me to even see a FRIEND who I knew before the accident but who hasn't seen me since the accident and he/she is just a FRIEND! There's no pressure there. But I still can't bring myself to do it. God, WHY ME!! I had a life!

I know this is getting long, and perhaps maybe a little boring, but this also made me think, "There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow. You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY. To know where you're going is only part of it. You need to know where you've been, too." I need to MAKE MY OWN WAY and I need to know where I've been too...so true. I truly believe this, however, I often forget it. But I'm having a hard time now since the accident making my own way. I don't know what way that is anymore. I'm lost.

And lastly but certainly not least is, "Life isn't days and years. It's what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace that's inside you." What brings tears to my eyes is particularly the last part, "...and with all the goodness and grace that's inside you." I don't know how much goodness and grace I have inside me anymore or what if I don't have any at all? I'm scared I've been hardened by this accident.

So, I'm finally done. Sorry for this extremely long post, if you even made it to the end. You may have bailed halfway through this blog post because it is not so exciting, and that's ok. I'm just scared, struggling, and lonely and needed to talk. So thanks for listening at all. If you took away anything from this post I hope it was simply these three things: 1) MAKE PEACE with who you are and where you are at this moment in your life, 2) Try and take chances and 3) Life is what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace that's inside you.

I also wanted to say one last thing real quick. I got a comment, a very long but very well written and inspiring and heartfelt comment on my last post from a Bryan Black. To you, Bryan, if you're reading, I wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your story. Many of the things you said are exactly, EXACTLY how I feel almost everyday. Sharing your story was very brave and I applaud you. But I thank you most of all for helping me to feel not so alone in my struggles. I hope you are doing well and thriving. I wish you the best. Please become a follower and keep reading. I hope to hear from you again but most of all, I hope you are happy and well.